It’s raining but the sun is shining

by hillarymay

I consider myself a “man without a mission.” Should I start packing? Packing feels like a finality. Should I finally start clearing out my food in the kitchen? Well, those bananas should of been gone weeks ago. Should I do a few loads of laundry? It would be nice to have some clean clothes this next week. Maybe I should throw away the mound of newspapers sitting on my desk. Yes, that definitely needs to go. All of this instant free time makes me feel lost. I’m not packing because I’m not leaving. I’m not … leaving. I keep repeating this to myself. I’m simply transferring my belongings to an apartment a few streets over. Everyone is saying their last goodbyes to their favorite spots, and I’m not participating.

I keep feeling as though I’m being left behind. I’m entering a whole new phase of my life, and while I have been living on my own this semester, this summer will become something new entirely. It will not be without its adventures. Its a summer of potential. But will it be a lonely one? I already feel as though I’ve been in this city longer than any other. I’ve developed a habit of restlessness with every passing semester, and for the first time, I’ve been asked to sit still. Can I? It looks like I have to. This is something I wanted, for more than one reason; I already know that the experience I will gain at my new internship will be invaluable. It is just a matter of setting aside this restlessness and learning to be content. For once. God has me here, in this moment, in this particular place. Lord knows why, but I can’t seem to place it. Relationships. Career. Location. Goodbyes. Hellos. Adventure. Uncertainty. I’m flying by the seat of my pants these next few days. Lord, help me.