Do you think with your heart or your head?

by hillarymay

This was not the semester I had expected. Not in the least. I’m finding it difficult to even sum up; I honestly keep shaking my head. In a strange way, I feel as though I’m crossing a great divide. Dramatic maybe, but no other metaphors cross my mind. I’m a creature of habit and uprooting myself seems a bit unjust. I’d like to plant myself on this couch of mine and never move. Well, not necessarily. But if only I could find a way to prolong this moment. Then, when I feel as though I’ve used it for all its worth, I can feel secure enough to progress. While I can day dream about that thought for days on end, it is entirely unrealistic. So unrealistic that its quite laughable. So here I sit, knowing that I will eventually need to move.

To be honest, I spent most of the semester feeling as stagnant as ever. Every area included. But sure enough, I can sit here and still recognize small ways in which I have progressed. I have been told over and over that change is good, that growth is necessary. And now I can breath a sigh of relief. You’d think I would of grasped this concept already.

I have become a little bit better at letting go of expectations. I internalize disappointment, and if I were being honest with myself, I’d say that this has had a very large impact on my sleeping habits. I’d still lie in bed every night praying for rest, but until I learn to embrace contentment within this struggle, I’ll never fully move.

In some small way, I’m learning to say no. I say yes more than I ought to; I score very low on the assertive scale. This has been pointed out to me on several occasions. While this may be an aspect of my personality that will never change, I’m attempting to find balance. Attempting.

I am slowly learning to be content with who I am. I am not talking about physical appearances but rather, the inward workings of my personality. For so long I have felt misunderstood. And within that misunderstanding, I have questioned my differences. While it’s good to question, I became unsatisfied; it was extremely unsettling. Subconsciously, I am always attempting to find meaning in my life and in the lives of others. When I begin to question my own meaning, every thing else seems to fall a part around me. It feels entirely unhealthy.

I think it is time to move. It is time to get up, and I believe it is actually time to sleep. For once, I am going to follow my own advice and let this go.