Leave a message at the beep

by hillarymay

Note to self: try not to be so foolish


I’m not an entirely awkward person mind you, but rather, my word usage during certain moments causes a great deal of awkwardness on my end. I’ve kind of learned to look past it, we all have our quirks, but there are times where you just can’t escape the sheepishness. But like in most situations, I put my head down and barrel through, knowing that life will continue. Most people will look past my idiosyncrasies and smile, without too much thought. I can only hope.

I’ll break it down for you. When I am under pressure, I tend to use words that don’t exactly fit correctly in the sentence I’m attempting to use.phone When I fully comprehend the words flowing out of my mouth during those times, I attempt to act like I meant to say it. Good cover. We all do it.

I made a phone call this morning, and while I was dialing the number, my heart started to race. I knew what I wanted to say in my head, and I kept rehearsing it over and over. I was counting on leaving a voice mail, for I assumed he was on a plane with his phone off. Not a big deal whatsoever. But when I finished dialing, it started ringing which of course through me into a complete panic. I hadn’t counted on this. I only had a plan A, and I knew I’d be jumbled if he actually answered. I started pacing, and it kept ringing. I finally had to brace myself against my dresser in order to calm myself down. His voice mail finally played, and I swear I could hear the angels singing. I was so distracted by the fact that he hadn’t answered that I hadn’t noticed when the beep finally sounded. Before I knew it, words were stumbling out of my mouth that I had no control over. I stood there, mentally horrified. Sometimes I experience this when I pray. I’ve never considered myself an eloquent prayer person, and I tend to get flustered when I’m in the midst of praying out loud. More often then not, I start a sentence that I didn’t mean to start and then I’m forced to commit to it, producing this horribly awkward statement which then is contingent on what I say next. Pretty soon, I’m praying about something that has nothing to do with what I’m supposed to be praying about, added with a few awkward stammers and pauses. I dread the pauses.

So there I was, leaving this phone message, and I’m thinking about how this resembles one of my many awkward prayers. I said things I never intended to say and I committed to sentences that I never meant to commit to, added with a few longer pauses in which I was gapping at the catastrophe I landed myself in. My mind kept screaming at me to hang up the phone, and when I finally did, I literally fell to the floor. I tried to make myself feel better by recalling everything I said, but in the end, I couldn’t remember a single thing, although I’m pretty sure I said something about Cinderella and her chore of scrubbing floors. I’m just as confused as you are.

I laid in the fetal position for a very long 3 minutes afterward. I mentally kept shouting insults at myself, the kind of insults 7th grades boys shout at one another when they’re playing dodge ball in gym class. It was a complete and utter disaster, and there was nothing I could do about it. The message was sent, and I could only pray that he wouldn’t notice a thing.

I guess I’ll never know.